Michael Eavis’s iconic music festival gets under way in Somerset today and 135,000 people are expected to flock there to see the likes of The Who, Kanye West, Paul Weller, Pharrell Williams and, of course, Burt Bacharach.
Foo Fighters were due to appear as headliners on the Pyramid Stage on Friday night but, unfortunately, Dave Grohl broke his leg and the US rockers were forced to pull out.
Sadly, our offer for Status Quo aficionado Pablo Zabaleta to replace them on the bill fell on deaf ears so we’ve put together our own band that, with all due respect to Florence and her Machine, should be gracing the festival circuit all summer long…
Lead Vocals: Aleksandar Kolarov
Sorry Zaba, there’s only one standout candidate to be our frontman – YouTube-hit-magnet Aleksandar Kolarov.
The Serbian full-back’s renditions of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “Jingle Bells” are sure to wrong-foot an unsuspecting Glastonbury crowd.
Backing vocals: Carlos Tevez
According to ever-trusty Wikipedia, Carlitos performs as a frontman in his very own cumbia villera music group called “Pialo Vago” but he’ll have to accept backing vocals duty in our City band.
Tevez performs with his brother Diego in the outfit which was formed in the slums of Fuerte Apache in Buenos Aires.
MC: Andrew Cole
The *ahem* outstanding choice to deliver the occasional rhyme between Kolarov’s deadpan stylings.
Cole failed to make the top 40 with his track “Outstanding” in 1999 – an update of The Gap Band’s 1982 track.
Sample lyrics: “Got my kicks from hitting the net, not from drugs, you bet we’re outstanding...”
However, life is full of second chances and the former Blues’ striker will be important in our quest to tempt hip hop savants to our stage.
Bass guitar: Nedum Onuoha
Is there anything Nedum Onuoha can’t do?
The defender from Miles Platting in Manchester achieved eight ‘A’ and two ‘B’ grades at GCSE and went on to ace his A-Levels with A grades in Maths, Business Studies and IT but did you know? He also played bass guitar in his youth.
In his own words: “I was an OK bassist but not really part of a serious nor semi-serious band!
“You’re making a fictional City band? Micah and Daniel Sturridge could sing! SWP could DJ.
“BWP was a good rapper too - those are just off the top of my head!”
Cheers Nedum, you’re in!
Saxophone: Lucy Bronze
England Womens’ newest World Cup hero is a keen Saxophone player as revealed in our What’s in a Name feature with her.
Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised by her lung capacity given her comprehensive coverage of the right side in MCWFC matches…
Acoustic guitar: Frank Clark
Former City boss Frank Clark is a self-confessed ex-member of the Lonnie Donegan fan club and devotee of Eric Clapton and Ry Cooder and is said to be a dab hand on the acoustic guitar.
In fact, Clark used to regularly wind up his former Nottingham Forest manager, the Sinatra-loving Brian Clough, with his strums and noodlings on the team coach on the taxi to and from games.
Clark brings leadership skills and experience to the band, as well as facial hair – crucial in claiming the affections of the hipster demographic at Glasto…
Electric guitar: Stuart Pearce
Look, we’ll be honest, we were struggling for a second guitarist...
Beyond the fact that Stuart Pearce is a known punk proponent and that he’d suit having one around his neck, we’ve no evidence that Psycho can actually play guitar but he’s going into the team anyway.
Pearce is such a big fan of The Stranglers, he’s met them nearly 30 times and the band actually named their record label “Psycho Records” after the former City manager.
Got a problem with the selection? Take it up with Stu…
Drums: Sergio Aguero
In a short-lived mcfc.co.uk feature series called “Blue Jams”, we spoke to Sergio Aguero to discover the soundtrack of his life.
As well as revealing that Como Los Unicornios by Los Charros (us neither) is his favourite dressing room track and that Damas Gratis lead by Pablo Lescano (nope) was his chill out tune of choice, Kun declared that he would like to know how to play drums.
Whether or not he’s used the intervening three years to pick up sticks and learn is another matter but I’m sure you’ll agree he’d bring a welcome element of Latin flair to our collective…
So there you have it, our very own City band coming to a summer festival near you (possibly).
Got any more suggestions for players who could be in the band? Can you help us name our outfit?
